


i can’t show you a ruined part of myself (but i still want you)

by fourleafs



Series: is it too much to ask [2]
Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/F, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, im still sad n miss penelope, only this time STRONGER
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21552037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourleafs/pseuds/fourleafs
Summary: Josie wants to, she really does, but she just can’t. She doesn’t know why she can never tell Penelope how she feels.That’s a lie. She knows exactly why.
Relationships: Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Series: is it too much to ask [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553161
Comments: 6
Kudos: 192





	i can’t show you a ruined part of myself (but i still want you)

**Author's Note:**

> i told myself i wouldn’t continue this but y’all wanted josie’s pov n i live to please so here ya go
> 
> technically a pt2 to “you got me shot down (by love)” so u should go read that if u haven’t
> 
> also thank u so much for all the love my heart has been filled to the brim i uwu y’all
> 
> send me prompts or just yell at me on tumblr @ fourvleafs
> 
> title from the truth untold by bts

Josie is an excellent Wickery player, thank you very much. If she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t have replaced Lizzie as quarterback. And — oh, actually she replaced Lizzie because she tripped some girl on the other team, Maya she thinks some boy had called her, and was ordered to sit out for a few minutes.

But nonetheless, she replaced her. And they wouldn’t have let her be quarterback if they didn’t trust her, but — well, come to think of it, they really didn’t have a choice. But Penelope seemed to think highly of Josie’s Wickery skills, and that’s all that mattered.

Speaking of Penelope, she looked gorgeous today. With her hair all messed up in an annoyingly perfect way, and her eyes twinkling in the sunlight, and... She didn’t register the ball flying into her hands, and had thrown it away from her due to pure instinct alone. Vaguely, she realized that she had been trying to throw it to Kaleb, but it didn’t even reach him.

Her cheeks light up as she feels Lizzie and the rest of their teammates glare at her. She knows it’s all for show, but they’re really good at acting like they’re mad at her.

A light laugh breaks her focus, and instead her thoughts are back on Penelope. Her beautiful girlfriend is laughing at her of course, but she doesn’t mind. What she does mind is hearing Dana scoff from next to her, “How did you even manage to score a girl like her? You can’t even score a goal.”

And that pisses Josie off. Because she doesn’t know how she managed to attract Penelope, but she knows that she doesn’t plan on letting her go. And so, after Mystic Falls High gets another point, she calls for a timeout.

She wants to win, needs to win, if only to wipe the smug look off Dana’s face. And the only chance they have of winning is with their abilities, and right now Josie doesn’t care about their image.

No, she’s thinking of the bigger picture, of seeing Dana’s face fall twice. Once when they win, and again when she gets to kiss Penelope like her life depends on it.

The moment they break from their huddle, Josie puts her game face on. She’s determined to win, no matter what.

The rest of the game passes by in a blur. The only thing Josie can remember is catching the ball in the end zone seconds before a loud buzzer rang. Immediately, the Salvatore crowd and team go wild, and all Josie can think about is Penelope.

As soon as her eyes land on her, she rushes towards her girlfriend and kisses her until she can’t breathe. And it’s perfect, even though her smile is so big they’re barely even kissing anymore. It’s perfect, until Penelope mumbles something that makes her blood freeze and her bones stiffen.

“God, I love you.”

It feels like forever before those words register. But when they do, it’s like the air is sucked out of her lungs.

Penelope loves her. _‘Do I love her?’_ Penelope loves her. _‘I don’t know if I love her.’_ Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her.

And as she watches Penelope stumble over her own words, reassuring her that she’s not obligated to say it back, all she can think is _‘I don’t know if I love her yet, but I could.’_

And instead of something witty and romantic, she blurts out the most awkward response possible, “Cool, thanks.” She reprimands herself on the inside, could she be anymore embarrassing?

Without dwelling on it any further, she drags Penelope off to a party. She really needs to get drunk tonight.

The first time it happens, she’s confused and caught off guard. But she vows to have everything figured out by the next time it happens.

***

She does not have everything figured out the next time. And, if anything, she’s even more caught off guard and confused.

She’s sitting on Penelope’s lap, deeply kissing her like she’s the only thing in Josie’s world. She nips and sucks on Penelope’s bottom lip and hears a cute little mewl fall from them, and she’s determined to hear that sound again.

So she bites her girlfriend’s lip harder, faintly tasting blood on her tongue. She finds that she doesn’t mind the taste, as long as it’s Penelope. But she thinks Penelope might mind, because she’s pulling away right after.

She expects to hear a light reprimand from her girlfriend, but instead she feels Penelope murmuring 3 words against her lips.

Josie can’t hear her, but she’s pretty confident she knows exactly what Penelope said.

Before she can even react, Penelope’s back to kissing down her neck. She settles her lips on Josie’s pulse point, a weakness of hers, and she almost falls for it.

But Penelope’s words ring loudly in her ears, and it’s too overwhelming for her. She lightly presses her hands against Penelope’s shoulders, pulling away and saying something about homework.

Penelope for her part tries to make Josie stay. She tightens her arms around Josie’s waist and bites down harshly on her neck, but Josie must have the willpower of a thousand Gods because she pushes off her lap and out the door with a wink.

She can hear her girlfriend sigh even through the door, and she’s both guilty and a little proud of herself. Guilty that she left in such a hurry, but proud that she left her needy.

Until MG spots her in the hallway and points at the dark hickey on Josie’s neck.

“Better watch out, I think Peez might be a vamp.” The punch he receives to the shoulder is well worth it, because the blush on Josie’s face is adorable.

***

There’s a new look in Penelope’s eyes tonight, and it scares Josie. Because it looks so sad, but determined.

She doesn’t know what’s going on in her girlfriend’s mind, but she thinks she’s starting to figure it out when Penelope grabs her hand and drags her to her dorm.

This, she knows how to deal with. She can deal with Penelope being a desperate and needy brat, what she can’t deal with is a Penelope that looks at her like she put the stars in the universe.

She doesn’t realize that she’s dealing with both sides of Penelope tonight.

It feels like a love confession in itself, and the weight of that realization settles uncomfortably on her chest. She can’t breathe anymore, and she needs to find a viable excuse to get out of this bed, but she’s coming up empty.

Fortunately for her, Josie’s phone dings off to the side a dozen times in a row, and she rushes to silence it before it could wake her small girlfriend. She’s just so tiny and cute, cuddled up against her pillow (Josie’s too warm for Penelope some nights, but she doesn’t mind).

She has 33 text messages from Lizzie, all talking about how she was going to kill a certain tribrid for something she said.

She also had 1 message from Hope. It simply read, _‘I’m hiding from Lizzie. Don’t let her find me.’_

And this is perfect for Josie, so she gets dressed and writes a quick note for Penelope, and walks out. Already, she can feel her chest get lighter with each step towards her shared dorm.

There’s also a hint of guilt eating away at the back of her mind, but she pushes it down in favor of walking faster.

***

Josie feels horrible. She’s been ignoring her girlfriend for the past few days, and Penelope’s caught on.

She’s hiding in a corner of the library when she feels arms snake around her waist. She jumps slightly, only to hear a light chuckle next to her ear.

It’s Penelope. Whispering to her that whatever she did, she’s sorry, and if she can make it up to Josie tonight. Josie doesn’t have the guts to tell her it’s not her fault, that it’s her fault for being an idiot. So she just nods her head and allows Penelope to softly kiss her forehead before she’s walking away with a soft “see you tonight.”

Night falls before Josie’s ready for it. She doesn’t want to confront her feelings head on just yet, and she tries to think of an excuse to throw Penelope’s way to skip out on their date tonight. She doesn’t come up with a good one before her girlfriend is right in front of her, dragging her away to their spot in the forest.

As their date begins, Josie begins to feel like a complete idiot. Really, she should’ve known Penelope would never pressure her into talking. They spend their date feeding each other cookies and watching a documentary on Netflix.

The entire time, her mind is preoccupied with a past realization. Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her.

She can feel the air change as Penelope turns to stare at her, biting her lip. She knows that look on her face very well by now, and she’s just as scared of it as the first time.

As Penelope begins to speak, Josie cuts her off. She can’t hear those words again, not when she knows she won’t be able to say them back.

The third time, she doesn’t even let Penelope say it. It hurts too much to hear the words and see the way Penelope’s smile drops each time.

Instead, Josie interrupts her before she can finish. Deep inside, she wishes she hadn’t said anything at all, because the raw pain on her face hurts her too much. Penelope looks like she’s nursing a bleeding gunshot wound, but Josie doesn’t know how to fix it.

_‘I need to leave her before she leaves me.’_

***

Lizzie is the first one she tells the details about the break up to. Not because she wants to, but because she’s walked in on Josie crying much too often.

But she tells Lizzie late, like, almost a month too late. She’s probably made up her own details in her head already.

And she has. Lizzie tells Josie about how she assumed the worst of Penelope, how she came up with a list of reasons for their break up.

 _1\. Penelope cheated_  
_2\. Penelope said/did something stupid_  
_3\. Penelope kept something from her_

She doesn’t fail to notice that Lizzie blames Penelope for their breakup, and a twinge of guilt hits her in the chest.

She tells Josie all about calling her Satan in the halls, about scoffing at her anytime she did anything slightly impressive, and about getting the student body to slowly see her as an evil heartbreaker.

Josie broke Penelope’s heart, and then allowed Lizzie to take away her sense of belonging.

***

She holds in her tears as Penelope rushes towards her and kisses her like she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get the chance again.

She holds in her tears as they break apart and hug each other. They can’t let go, too scared that the other will never come back to them.

She even holds in her tears as Penelope whispers her last confession in her ear. Even as she watches her walk away from her.

But she can’t hold in her tears when she realizes just how much Penelope meant to her. Just how much Penelope means to her. Or when she realizes that she lost her, for good this time.

Josie can’t believe it’s come to this, to Penelope leaving her for the feelings in her chest to flutter to life. To make themselves known, no matter how much she resents them.

Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her. Penelope loves her.

_‘Fuck. I love Penelope.’_

***

Lizzie has never claimed to be a good person, no matter how obvious it is that she tries to be one. She’s never gone out of her way to try and make anyone’s day better. In fact, she’s actually done the opposite (mostly to Penelope).

Josie and Lizzie have a special bond that only twins do, they can feel each other’s pain. Only a fraction of it, but it’s still there. And currently Lizzie’s chest hurts like fuck, so she can only imagine what Josie’s going through.

And if only to get this pain out of her chest, she does something she’d never have planned to. She teleports to Belgium. Right in the middle of Penelope’s dorm room.

“I need your help,” is the only thing to come out of her mouth when her eyes lock onto Penelope.

“Don’t you know how to knock?”

No, Lizzie doesn’t know how to knock, not when her sister has been crying over the same stupid girl for 5 months. And also, her hate for Landon is just slightly more than her hate for Penelope, so.

It’s not that Landon’s a bad guy, he’s just... not the greatest boyfriend.

“Josie needs you.”

And with that she manages to smuggle Penelope Park back to Salvatore with no one noticing. Except Josie.

It’s like Josie can fucking sense Penelope’s presence, because as soon as Lizzie open their dorm door she’s screaming at her to send the smaller girl back.

For her part, Penelope doesn’t look offended at all. She looks hurt, and wrecked, but not offended. And she seems to understand that Josie doesn’t want to see her right now, so she leaves.

She’ll let Josie have her space, just for a little while longer.

***

While giving Josie some time to herself, Penelope decides to walk around the quiet halls of Salvatore. She’d never admit it out loud, but she missed it here. The all witch school of Belgium was nice but it was lacking... Josie.

Deep in her thoughts, Penelope finds herself bumping into a tall lanky boy. Landon.

“Hi, Penelope,” he starts cheerily. “I didn’t know you were ba-“

She cuts him off before he can act like they were ever friends. “You know, I’m not surprised Josie started dating you...”

“Oh, th-“

“I mean, why wouldn’t she want to date the closest thing she could find to a living fireball? She does have an unhealthy obsession with fire after all.”

“She does?”

“How did you not notice that?” Penelope’s confused. Landon said she had never cared about Josie’s feelings, yet he never noticed the most obvious thing about her. And really, that’s the most surprising thing ever, because Josie will always be doing something with fire.

She picks flowers out of the garden just to watch them burn. She gets transfixed on bonfires. One day she took Penelope’s lighter and just never returned it.

She has a secret stash of candles and matches that she thinks she hid well from her. Hell, she even tried to convince Penelope to try using fire in bed (she has no idea exactly how it would’ve been used, because she refused as soon as the words were uttered. They did compromise and settled on using the candles for wax, and that was... not unpleasant, to say the least).

Anyways, Penelope’s confused. And angry. How dare Landon act like she never cared about Josie? She confided in him, told him the full truth because she had nothing to lose.

She already knew she was going to Belgium, what harm could telling the weird new kid about her relationship issues do? Well, a whole fucking lot. Because he started dating her ex. What a bitch.

And really, she’s not mad at Landon (yes she is, but it’s whatever). She’s mad at herself. She couldn’t keep Josie to herself, and she hates how that makes her feel. Like she’s jealous.

Penelope Park doesn’t do jealous, she doesn’t have to. Everyone is jealous of her, jealous of the people she spends time with. She’s not jealous of anyone. Except the people that get to spend time with Josie.

Penelope Park would do anything for Josie Saltzman, including jealousy.

She decides Landon Kirby isn’t worth her time, so she walks away before he can come up with an answer for her. She has more important people to see, people named Josie Saltzman.

***

Josie Saltzman does not want to see her, but she does anyways. Penelope deserves closure, and she deserves the truth.

She deserves to know that Josie loves her.

Josie wants to tell her, she really does, but she just can’t. She doesn’t know why she can never tell Penelope how she feels.

That’s a lie. She knows exactly why.

Because if she tells Penelope, then she’ll leave her. Just like her mom before she leaves for work trips, just like Josette before she died again, just like her dad every time he can’t do something for the twins, and just like Lizzie will say to her on their 21st birthday.

And she doesn’t want to be left with a broken heart again. She’d rather break her own now than let Penelope break hers later.

But she can’t lie to Penelope anymore. She’s tired, and in love. In love with a girl that’s never once stopped loving her for the past year and a half.

“I-I... I’m sorry that... I just...” Josie stutters, it’s just so hard to actually verbalize her issues. But Penelope makes things easier than it is, with her perfect smile and beautiful eyes, and the way she taps her fingers against Josie’s back as a reminder to breathe.

“I don’t want you to leave me...” she says in a small voice, so quiet she’s not sure if Penelope even heard her. She’s sure she did though, because her breathing hitches, and she pulls Josie into her arms.

“Sorry to break it to you, Saltzman,” she chuckles lightly, “but you can’t get rid of me.”

Josie just presses herself deeper into Penelope’s arms, finally finding peace for the first time in 5 months. An idea comes to mind, and she puts it in action fairly quickly.

She traces light patterns into Penelope’s back. At first, the smaller girl doesn’t seem to notice what she’s doing, but after pressing harder she begins to notice. It still takes a lot of teasing and joking for Penelope to truly understand what Josie’s doing, but once she does, it’s like her world stops.

Because Josie is tracing “I love you” onto her spine. Josie loves her. She loves her. Her, as in Penelope Park. The girl who has been in love with Josie Saltzman ever since they first met.

Penelope can’t wait much longer before pulling Josie into a kiss, then breaking apart and mumbling “I love you, too.”

And for the first time, those words don’t scare her.


End file.
